by Anketse Zewdu

Think for a moment and ask yourself one thing: Have you ever lied to your parents and kept it a secret for many years? Well, my friends and I have been doing just that. We’ve been hiding our life experiences outside our houses from our families. Some of my friends have a boyfriend, and so do I. We try everything we can imagine to hide this big secret. It might be easy for you to tell your family if you have a  boyfriend, but we have plenty of reasons why we are hiding this fact. First, in almost all areas of Ethiopia, parents will not allow their daughter to have a boyfriend while she is a student, and also they would not expect her to have one at such a young age. Second, even if she is not willing to have a boyfriend, if a guy asks her for a date, she can’t tell her parents because no matter what she answers they will blame her, saying that in the first place if you hadn’t shown him some willingness he would not have gotten close enough to ask you for a date. Because she doesn’t want to be blamed, the girl’s only choice is to ask her friends what she should do, and they may give her good or bad advice. Third, if a girl’s neighbors and relatives think she is in a relationship, their perspective toward her will be negative, and they will blame her parents for not raising her with proper manners. At this time, if a woman gets pregnant, a few young women will end up having an abortion because of their secret relationship. Although all of this is what happens to a girl, 99 percent of the people will say nothing if a boy does similar things; no one cares about what he does. You can do whatever you want if you are a male. But no one cares about a woman’s feelings.

I was born and raised in Ethiopia. Our culture and lifestyle are not similar to other countries. It’s even different from ethnicity to ethnicity. Ethiopia is a country with more than eighty ethnics groups, and women’s experiences vary from place to place. For example, my parents want me to give my full attention to education. Only a few parents, though, want their daughters to learn; the majority want them to get married. Unfortunately, before they get married, most girls, about 95 percent, will beg their parents to send them to school rather than giving their hand to a man. But they have the right to learn, why are they begging? This type of early marriage will happen in rural areas of the country.

One day, I was watching youtube videos, I suddenly saw the title “ Child Marriage in Ethiopia’s Amhara Region”, I began watching the video. It was about women’s early marriage in a specific region of Ethiopia, especially about a story of four women’s. A young woman named Banchayew start taking “ I was married at the age of seven, but I didn’t know anything about it. First, they took me to the shopping and said we want to buy you a cloth. After the wedding, when I want to go back to my parents home, my husband beat me and my mother-in-law said “Why are you not sleeping with him? I didn’t know what sex meant at that time, I was seven years old and he was about 16 years old so I started to sleep outside and then I ran to my parents house but they said “ We do not want to be called the parents of a spinster,” so they sent me back, because my parents and my husband mistreated me, I start to sleep out in the bush. Once, I was sleeping on the tree, a hyena almost attacked me. My father said “ I don’t want my child to be attacked by a hyena,” so he took me back to his house.” The second girl was Meseret, she was married when she was seven. She is ten years old. “ When I woke up in the morning, there was a party at my house. They told me to sit inside the house and in the evening they took me to my new house to live with my husband.” The third woman was Emet. Emet is 22 years old. She had married three times. “ on my wedding day, people were dancing and eating the whole day. Then they gave me a piggy-back and took me to my new house. From the first day of my wedding, I was not happy. I was crying a lot because they gave me a miserable life.” The fourth girl, Tsehaynesh, her story was a little bit different from the other women because both her husband and herself was very young. Both of them didn’t know anything. She is 18 years old. She was married at the age of ten. Her mother didn’t have anything. She used to rent her land and herd cattle. When Tsehaynesh asked her mother to send her to school she refused. “If she had sent me to school, it would have been great.” None of the ladies want their daughter to repeat their life experience. The Amhara region has the highest rate of a child marriage in sub-Saharan Africa. In 2010, 80% of women in Amhara region, Ethiopia, married by the age of 18. 52% of them married by age fifteen. Nowadays, early marriage is no longer allowed.

My life experience had begun since I was in seventh grade. My friends like to give more time for fun and less time for learning; we used to skip classes because we hate the class or we feel tired so we can relax and play. My mother liked to check my notebook at least twice a week because since my father moved to the United States, she always make sure I am doing well but I usually lied to her because I skip classes and I don’t have notes, then I will give her three or four notebooks and said this is what I had, for now, the others are with the teacher to be graded. During this time none of my friends or I had a boyfriend but all of us had a secret crush. My mom always advised me not to get closer to a guy because she thinks everyone will hurt me, but I have always had best friends who are like a brother to me. Even when I went to an all-girls school starting in the seventh grade it didn’t keep me from having a boyfriend. My boyfriend name is Biruk, and I have known him 10 years. Our relationship started four years ago. Having him in my life is such a blessing, without him I will not be able to reach where I am now. He is my motivation, he is always on my side, he knows what I want, he will do anything that makes me happy, there is no one I would love the way I love him, he is my everything and the love of my life. He always reminds me I have to succeed in my life so my parents will agree with my life choice, which is living with him. My brother and Biruk used to be friends but now, because of me, they are no longer friends. My brother is not happy by our relationship, he tries a lot of different ways to separate us but we won’t.

One day my friends and I decided to meet every Saturday to hang out, so we asked our parents to pay for Saturday class so we can pretend we are learning and getting extra help but it was only so we could go out on the weekends. We start to meet around our school and we can be outside or inside the school. When we are inside the school we find an empty room to play. When we are outside I usually stay with my boyfriend.

At the age of sixteen, I moved to the United States. It was difficult for me because I have never been in a long distance relationship. I was scared I would lose him but not for a chance. Nothing changed, I keep lying my family. I can’t talk Biruk around my families, they have to leave the house or I must go somewhere else. I learn that a long distance relationship is our biggest sadness but it makes our relationship stronger than before.

Calvin Coolidge Sinor High School was the first school I attended when I moved to the U.S. Everyone in the school knew me as someone who was on the phone for the whole day, 24/7. I also slept for 2 hours when I came back from school so I can stay up the whole night talking to my boyfriend. Some days my dad will wake up for work before I go to sleep, and I pretend. After I choose to come to Sweet Briar, my families try to convince me to stay. I couldn’t change my decision because of two reasons, since I was from Washington D.C., there is a high population of Ethiopian and if I stay there I will not have any different experience so I have to make my decision. Second, I will have a free place for me to talk to my boyfriend any time I want.

I regret for some women who did not end up with a better experience but not for me because I have noticed that every single event that has happened in my life was for a reason. The experiences I had in my life helped me grow into a strong and patient young woman, ready to do whatever it takes to fulfill my dreams without forgetting who I am. As the great Helen Keller said, “The struggle of life is one of our greatest blessings. It makes us patient, sensitive, and Godlike. It teaches us that although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” This quote gives me the strength to meet any challenges that I will face throughout my life.